Fake sense of achievement
Did you know that the average person tends to complain once a minute during a typical conversation? Yep, that's what the research shows, but why do we complain so much?
I have to admit. I used to complain a lot more than what I would consider as healthy. Luckily with the help of good friends and a lot of self-awareness those days are in the past.
Complaining can make us feel good — that we are achieving something — but the truth is that it accomplishes nothing. We think we are blowing off steam, but we are not, and its negativity can be dangerously contagious.
Complaining not only reduces our capability to act and create, but it also takes a toll on all of those around us.
The complaining brain
Ok, so let me start with the science behind it.
Our brain is an efficiency machine. It doesn't want to work harder than it has to, so by repeating certain behaviors, it creates pathways to make such actions easier and less energy consuming.
There you go. Complain too much and you will get so good at it, that you won't even realize you are doing it anymore.
Repeated complaining rewires our brain to make future complaining more likely. Over time, we find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what’s happening around us.
And here’s the most interesting part of recent research — complaining damages other areas of our brains as well. Research from Stanford University has shown that complaining shrinks the hippocampus — an area of the brain that’s critical to problem solving and intelligent thought.
Wait, there's more. When we complain, our body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol shifts our body into fight-or-flight mode — stay in this state for extended periods of time and it can be pretty damaging.
Complaining and problem solving
We complain nonstop about our lives, our jobs, our bosses, the government. As I mentioned, the big problem with complaining is that even if it feels good, it is not doing anything positive for us. It is a waste of time.
Lets play a game. A problem happens, and we start complaining:
- Option 1: We have a way to fix the problem, it is in our control.
- Option 2: We have no way to fix the problem, it is outside our control.
On the above options, in which complaining helps us? None.
If we have a way to address the problem, why are we complaining and wasting time instead of taking action? If we have no way to address it, why are we complaining and wasting time instead of accepting it and moving on?
Sharing negativity
"You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.", Marcus Aurelius.
I used to complain quite a bit. I thought I was blowing off steam or considered myself a more critical person — but I was actually fooling myself. I will never forget when it hit me.
I was out with Thiago — a good friend of mine — and we were heading towards a party. I was probably complaining about everything. How we could not find the snacks we went to buy, how he was late to leave the house, how our taxi was delayed, just complain, complain, complain.
And then he said — Daniel, you are always complaining. You might not realize, but when you do that, you bring down the mood of the whole group. Stop doing this man.
That was an eye opener for me, and I am happy to say that the old Daniel is in the past. I am not a robot of course, complaining is usually our go-to reaction, but now I have the self-awareness to shift my thinking before I go down that road.
How to stop complaining
So you are probably thinking now — how do I deal with it? I can share 3 different tactics that helped me over the years.
To start, we need to be cautious about spending time with people who complain about everything. Our brains tend to mimic the moods of people we spend time with. It just like inhaling the smoke of someone smoking next to you, while you don't even smoke yourself.
Second one is to look at problems from a problem-solving perspective. It is the game we played above. Can I fix it? Yes, let's try it then. Can't I fix it? Ok, time to move on.
Finally, the third one — which I believe to be the most effective — shifting complaining into gratitude.
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. That is, when you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you’re grateful for.
We are always dueling on what we don't have, and not on what we have. Our thoughts are never where we are, but where we are not. If we live by the above, unhappiness will be our fate.
Any time we experience negative or pessimistic thoughts, we can use this as a cue to shift gears and to think about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become our way of life. I am proof that it works.
Stop today
Time to unlearn what we mastered for so many years and learn new ways. We need an efficient brain in creating, in thanking, in helping — not in complaining.
I am not talking about living a perfect positive life, there is no such thing. We are all humans, we make mistakes, we get angry, we have emotions. All I am saying is to direct our energy towards things that can actually helps us move forward.
To stop complaining is not only a matter of mindset. It is a matter of health.
We must shift our perspective towards a problem-solving approach. It will not only help us to take action faster, but it will help us move on when a situation is outside our control.
So now that you finished this article — what is that one thing you are grateful for right now?
